sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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