porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
