I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
