i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
