My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
