I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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