everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's not a walk of shame if you run
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
