I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my shit smells like andre
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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