seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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