her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
