happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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