he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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