He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
