you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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