i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
