1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
