Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
