I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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