I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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