she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
