its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
