OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
