so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize