So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
nutella sex= disaster
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
