I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
