You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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