I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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