my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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