I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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