It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
