You just made me feel so damn special
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
