I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
