Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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