I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
