so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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