u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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