final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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