Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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