Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
