I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
