...so i touched it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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