My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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