I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
