i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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