I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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