you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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