There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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