My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
