Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
