Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
