Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
