Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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