I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
