I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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