I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
