i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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