its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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