Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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