He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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