The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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