I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
